last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
