Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
