So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
