Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
