and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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