Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
