Your favorite bartender is back from prision
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You took a bar mat shot.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
