Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
