I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
