just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can I color on your dick again?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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