my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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