I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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