just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
