you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
