overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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