we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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