You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
