So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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