ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
