my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
