first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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