I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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