The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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