i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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