girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
