Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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