It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
