Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
