the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who died my cat blue again?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
