I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
