i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
