i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
