I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
