my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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