i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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