remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
