I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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