he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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