bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
