Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
