Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
