What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize