how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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