i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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