Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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