I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
