My underwear smells like fireworks.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
