did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
