Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
