im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
