Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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