where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
