Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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