the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Are we still banned from the library?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
