4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
