how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
