I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
